Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, “I’m Jesus Christ,” says the man.
Priest one: “I don’t believe you’re our Lord and Savior”
The man turns to the second priest and tells him, “I’m Jesus Christ.”
Priest two: “I agree with him, you’re not Jesus.”
Man: “Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ.”
The agree to follow him and they arrive at a bar. As soon as they walk in the bartender says “Oh Jesus Christ, not you again!”
A priest is about to go on a missionary trip to Africa. Before he goes he prays to God that he will be safe when he goes.
God said: “Do not fear, I will protect you on the way only if you have complete trust in me.”
So when the priest is walking on a mountain in Africa there is a huge avalanche and the priest finds himself clinging by his fingernails above a lake full of crocodiles.
Soon a group of tourists come along and ask: “Do you need any help?” “No, I put my faith in God” the priest answers.
Later a boat comes along and the people inside ask if he needs any help. Again the priest says “No, I put my faith in God.”
Later a people in a helicopter ask the same thing. Again, the priest still puts his faith in God.
At that point the priest falls into the lake and gets eaten by the crocodiles.
In heaven the priest asks: “What went wrong, why did I die? I put my faith in you.”
And God answered: “Well I don’t know. I sent a helicopter, a boat …”
A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining: “Someone stole my bicycle!”
The wise mayor responded: “Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach “Thou shalt not steal”, make a dramatic pause, then look everyone in the eyes. The one avoiding eye contact is surely guilty!”
The next week they meet again, this time the priest riding his bicycle with a huge grin on his face.
“So the plan worked?” asked the mayor.
“Well, in a way … I started reading the commandments like you suggested me to do. When I reached “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I had left it.”